Her Shadow
by Shepard Supreme
Summary: The Journal of Zevran Arainai - "I do not fear death. I have been it's cause my whole life. What I fear is losing that which is close to me; or even allowing someone to be that close again. But death? No, I do not fear death. In fact I relish it."
1. Chapter 1

**Entry 1 **

_I am beginning to wonder when this good luck will end. _

_As fate would have it, I am alive. _

_And working side by side with my mark, no less. _

_Elissa - Elissa, is a very beautiful woman if a bit naïve._

_When I saw her, I thought I had died and seen Andraste herself! Her hair is a deep, chocolate brown. She has hazel eyes and the longest legs. By far the prettiest mark I have ever had._

_She has been kind to me when others have not._

_I have been subject to their stares of distrust for the past two days. Especially the handsome one named Alistair._

_Though the fiery bard has been particularly kind to me, I can still see her keeping a distance._

_Not that I blame them. Who would trust someone who just tried to gut them?_

_But not Elissa. She has been uncommonly accepting. She even tries to make conversations with me. _

_She is one of those exceptional people - I think. Someone who would dance through fire for someone she knew. It is, refreshing to meet someone so loyal._

_I watched her as she went to each of her companions at camp tonight. She talked to each one. Not about strategy or battle tactics - merely talked._

_It is a curious thing. Though it means little._

_Though I am grateful for her mercy, I can't help but wonder - why? Why was I saved._

_More importantly, why was I shown mercy - when I was guilty? _

_Why did fate see it fit, that I live? While I could not show mercy to an innocent._

_Oh, R _(scratches and marks cover the bottom of the page)

_No. I am not worthy of writing your name. Goodnight, my dear. Voy a soñar contigo_.

* * *

**I don't know if this has been done before but l****et me know if this is something I should continue.**

**Thanks :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Entry 2**

_We are headed to Orzammar, where I am sure I'll be very warmly welcomed. Ha!_

_At first, during our travels, I had seen very little darkspawn. Today, however, we encountered a group of nearly 40._

_Elissa didn't yell out a single order. Her crew already knew what to do. _

_I stayed near our leader as we fought, to get a feel for her technique._

_I was quite surprised to see how barbarically she fought. _

_In truth, I had never expected her to be a warrior. _

_Alas, I never imagined she could even pick up a two handed weapon._

_Yet, she smashed through the beasts just as mercilessly as Sten or Alistair._

_._

_Ah, Alistiar, the boy likes her. And who can blame him?_

_._

_The group seemed to fight as one. I hadn't anticipated that I would easily find my place._

_Yet, I have - flanking the enemies that pursue Alistair and Elissa._

_I would help Sten if I didn't think he would likely count me as an enemy in battle!_

_The group seems to have warmed up to me - even Alistiar._

_Well there is Wynne. She said today that she was sure I regretted my past actions._

_My regret doesn't lie with the life of every man and woman I have killed._

_Only one._

_Lamento. El dolor. La traicion._

**.**

**.**

**Entry 3**

_She is too guileless - too gullible._

_It isn't wise to trust these dwarven politicians._

_But why am I surprised? After all, she trusts a man who tried to murder her!_

_Her recklessness will be the cause of her death._

_Ah, but it is part of her charm. So feminine and compassionate._

_Sometimes I think she would be well suited for the life of a bard._

_The idea doesn't last though, as I become uneasy at the thought of her using her body to gain information._

_I am certain she has never known the pleasures of lust, by the way she blushes when I tease her._

_She is a young noble after all. You can imagine my response when she told me that._

_To her displeasure, I have started calling her "Princess"._

_._

_I can't wait to get out of this Orzammar. It reeks of cheap ale and vomit._

_To each his own, I suppose._

_Tomorrow we wi _(Writing ends abruptly, as if the writer was interrupted)

* * *

**oooh cliffhanger lol**

**I love Zev so much :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Entry 3 continued**

_A-ha, it seems that I will be traveling into the Deep Roads tomorrow with Alistair, Morrigan, and our fearless Princess. Elissa sent Morrigan to deliver the news._

_Morrigan, she is like ice. _

_At first I thought she would be a feisty thing. Someone who knew the value of worldly delights._

_She certainly spoke as though she had no care for love or matters of the heart._

_After trying to bed her twice, I have realized that this is a mask._

_She wants those things as much as any other woman._

_Not something I want, as it were._

_And nothing I deserve._

_._

_Princess has picked up a new crew member by the name of Oghren._

_He is always drunk, he smells like piss and feet, and there is a bit of food stuck in his beard that looks like it has been stuck for quite a while._

_In short, he is excellent. It is amusing to watch the man charge in a drunken stupor. _

_._

_Ah Princess, always the optimist. Seeing the 'good' in every piss scented dwarf that crosses her path. _

**Entry 4**

_I am tired, thirsty, and dirty._

_._

_The Deep Roads were as horrifyingly dark as I imagined._

_Creatures crawled from places that have been, and should stay, forsaken._

_I am physically, as well as emotionally, drained._

_Branka turned her back on Oghren, who has been even more drunk in the past few hours than usual._

_When Elissa chose to destroy the anvil, I thought it was mad._

_Who wouldn't want to be used as a powerful weapon?_

_As a Crow, it is what we are trained to be - weapons._

_._

_I don't understand why Elissa can't see this. _

_Her way of thinking is so simple, childlike._

_As if all things are black and white._

_But, it has made me wonder - Is she right?_

_I have always thought of my childhood as unpleasant, but never __**wrong**__._

_Was it wrong? Was it unjust?_

_Were I to have a child, Maker forbid, would I choose the same life for him_

_._

_Thinking about the Deep Roads has troubled me._

_It chills me to think that Elissa and Alistair will meet their end in that unholy place._

_She worthy of a more dignified, more peaceful, death. _

_Por lo que fue._

_._

_I __must rest now._

_After a bit of wine, of course._

_

* * *

_

**Sorry it has taken so long. I have had quite a bit to do, and probably won't really start working on this until winter break.**

**I am also looking for a beta, though I have no clue how to go about finding someone. So please message me if you know or can help.**

**Also, there will be "time jumps" because this is a journal. He wouldn't be writing in it while in the Deep Roads. **

**For translations, I have been using Google Translate…in no way can I speak Spanish. So if you see flaws, let me know and I will fix them as soon as possible.**

**As always, thanks for reading.**

**Should have the next one up soon :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Entry 5**

_._

_I fear I have mislead our lovely bard._

_It was meant to be a __single__ night of pleasure. _

_Not this constant blushing and awkward glancing._

_I thought a bard would surely know the significance of a night of lustful sex._

_Aye yai yai! I suppose I will have to correct her "assumptions" now._

_._

_Princess scolded me for leading Leliana on._

_What is a man to do in these circumstances?_

_The three women in camp consist of_

_-Morrigan, the prude ice witch._

_-Leliana, who obviously falls in love with anyone who will bed her._

_-And Princess, Virginity Incarnate. _

_._

_There are only two attractive men in camp._

_One is the dim-witted Alistair, who is as equally virginal as our lovely princess, and definitely doesn't seek the embrace of another man._

_The other is, well, is myself. I suppose _I_ will be the only person I'll be pleasuring during our adventures…for shame._

_._

_It is my understanding that we will be headed to Redcliffe tomorrow._

_Our blonde, little, ex templar looks as though he may explode._

_Apparently he grew up in this place, which makes me wonder: Why so nervous?_

_Were I returning to _my_ home tomorrow, I wouldn't be moping about it._

_Ah, Antiva. What would I give to get away from the smell of wet dog and cabbage._

_To return to the merchant's district and take in the scent of my former world._

_._

_The fair bard approaches. I suppose now is the perfect time to have our little 'chat'._

.

.

**Entry 6**

_._

_Why is the beer here so bitter?_

_While Elissa and Alistair have run off to find supplies for tonight's battle._

_I have been given the duty or keeping Oghren sober. Well, at least 'Oghren sober', anyone else drinking this much ale would be passed out on the floor._

_._

_Which reminds me! And bloody boot stain, I can't believe it!_

_Alistair is the bastard son of a Ferelden King._

_I suppose this is why he was fidgeting so much last night._

That_ and our dearest Elissa's presence._

_He stares at her nearly every second. I'm beginning to think him worse than Leliana._

_(Ah, let's not talk about Leliana.)_

_They would be a good match. They are both warriors, both noble born, and both are shamelessly virgins. Ha!_

_The hero and the princess. We could even get Alistair a pretty dress!_

_._

_She seems to return his affection._

_I have to admit, I do feel a bit jealous. _

_Elissa is, for lack of better words, everything. _

_She's possibly the kindest person I've met._

_Of course these thoughts are time wasted._

_I couldn't hope of wooing the woman, and certainly shouldn't._

_She is…too precious._

_No. Best to leave her in the hands of a far more superior match._

_._

_I'm happy for him._

_He has talked to me about it in camp._

_Though I don't believe he has been taking my 'tips' to heart, it is good, at least, to have some company._

_I do not consider Alistair to be a dear companion., but he has certainly warmed up to me quite a bit._

_Surely there will be doll making and pillow fights by the week's end. Ha!_

_._

_Finally they have returned. _

_._

_._

**Entry 7**

_._

_Wynne has been trying to comfort Elissa since we have set out to look for these damnable ashes. _

_This Arl had better be worth the trouble._

_._

_His son certainly wasn't._

_A blood mage aided us in saving the boy. The mother gave her life, for his._

_That the woman was so willing to sacrifice herself for her son was…different._

_I'm not sure how I feel about it. _

_As a child, I'm not sure I knew of anyone who would sacrifice themselves for me._

_I wasn't trained at that point, so there was no reason that they should._

_I sup - _(writing breaks off instantly, as if writer was distracted.)

.

**.**

_I heard the raised voices from inside my tent._

_When I went outside, Alistair was yelling at Elissa for the death of Isolde and for using blood magic to aid them._

_The woman _willingly_ gave her life. I have taken the lives of people who were far more innocent and way less willing._

_._

_All of this whining over the death of one woman is wearing on my patience._

_And not just the death._

_The whole camp must hear Alistair's objections over the method of saving the child._

_._

_And, of course, Princess is nearly in tears._

_Ah girl, it's time for you to grow up._

_One man's objection shouldn't cause this much excitement._

_Perhaps I will see if Oghren can suggest a strong ale to help me sleep. _

_A very strong ale._

_

* * *

_

**Thanks for your patience. For a while I wasn't sure where I was going to take this. But now I think I know. I'm pretty sure there will be two parts. **

**The first part being his journal, the second will not be a journal but from Elissa's POV. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Entry 8**

.

_The spirit, he almost said her name. I cannot hear the name._

_Los ángeles te llevarán al paraíso._

_._

_._

**Entry 9**

.

_Though it took entirely too long to find these ashes, at least Princess seems a bit happier._

_Leliana hasn't stopped talking about them!_

_In fact, she was so grateful that she bought a new set of armor for our dear Princess._

_It is too fancy, so many gems and embellishments. The armor barely covers her body._

_Not much in the way of protecting._

_The most amusing part was when Leliana asked her to try it on._

_The armor was a size too small for the poor girl._

_She came out of the tent blushing and trying to conceal her bosom with her arm._

_Alistair nearly choked on his stew. I even caught Sten taking a peek._

_The scene of her in such provocative attire plagues my mind._

_Can you believe it has been nearly a month since I've had sex?_

_These women torture me!_

_._

_Alas, the fair Elissa approaches._

_._

.

**Entry 10**

.

(The page is covered with a drawing of a female eye peeking through the black feathers of a bird's wing.)

.

**Entry 11**

.

.

_Elissa has been talking to me a lot more since leaving Redcliffe, much to Alistair's displeasure._

_Every time she comes near me, he gives us nervous glances._

_It's amusing, to say the least._

_Though he has nothing to worry about. From the way she smiles when she sees him, you can tell she truly cares for him._

_Then again, she does talk to me quite a bit. And I'm certainly not against the idea of being with such a pretty woman._

_Though the thought of her sexual company is enticing, I wouldn't compromise the friendship between us._

_Cada hora que paso contigo me parece un segundo._

_She has talked to me of her past, of her family, of her regret._

_Such innocent regrets._

_She told me of her parents, and how she 'abandoned' them._

_If only she knew the monster she was talking to._

_Every day, I wish I could be the person that she is._

_._

_We are headed toward the Brecilian Forest, in search for the Dalish._

_Oh mother. Que ella descanse en paz._

_It's been a long time since I have been in the company of Dalish elves._

_I wonder if they are still as stubborn as I left them!_

_._

_._

**Entry 12**

.

(Entry is scribbled quickly)

_¿Qué he hecho?_

_¿Qué he hecho?_

_La sangre en mis manos._

_Estoy condenado._

_._

(This part of the entry seems more collected, as if it was written at a different time.)

_._

_In my dreams I saw her face. The one that I've betrayed._

_I laughed my ghoulish laughs, and mocked that which loved me._

_As if I was living it again, Taliesen threw her body to the ground. _

_Her hair draped over her face, covering those blue eyes._

_When she turned to me again, it wasn't my former lover that looked back at me._

_It was the face of Elissa Cousland._

_

* * *

_

**Don't worry, I haven't forgotten this story. **

**I just want to get it right : )**


	6. Chapter 6

**Entry 13**

.

_Maker forgive me for this weakness. Maker forgive me!_

_I have tried to keep my distance. A task that becomes more difficult with each second._

_I know now that I can never become as close to Elissa as I would like. I cannot let anything happen to her. _

_I failed with you, my dear. I cannot risk failing with Elissa in the same way. I could not bear it again._

_._

_That doesn't mean it hasn't been hard. I try everyday to keep myself from being drawn to those lovely eyes._

_Alistair is a lucky man._

_._

**.**

**Entry 14**

.

_That clan of Dalish were lucky that our leader is so compassionate._

_For a moment, I feared I would have to plead with Elissa to spare them._

_It was fortunate that a compromise was found._

_I would not really care so much, were it not for the memory of my mother._

_._

(A paragraph has been marked out of this entry)

.

_Princess gave me the boots last night. She remembered me talking about Antivan leather, no doubt._

_She gave something to _everyone_ of course. _

_It's curious that such a small thing would be remembered._

_She also gave me a bar of gold, and teased me for my love of treasure. _

_But it's this simple bar of gold that is keeping me up tonight._

_I can't help but compare __**her**__ to it. So beautiful and pure, untouched by the hammer of a craftsman. Such gold will never shine more brightly._

_._

_I __**must**__ get some sleep. _

_._

_._

**Entry 15**

_._

_It is good to be sitting down again. I do not mind the walking so much._

_But it has been raining all day, and I don't want it to ruin my new boots._

_._

(The writing has changed. The writer has put down his pen, and come back at a later time to finish his entry.)

_._

_For the first time in a year I spoke your name, my Rinna._

_Just as my hands are now shaking as I write, my voice broke as soon as your sweet name left my lips._

_Elissa listened as I talked about you. She cried as I told her of the things that I have done, of the guilt that I feel._

_I wish you could have met her. You wouldn't have liked her at all. You're nothing alike._

_But she has saved me. In more ways than I can say._

_._

**.**

**Entry 16**

**.**

_Princess, Alistair, Leliana, and Morrigan are on a rescue mission to save this Ferelden Queen._

_I do not like this trickery. I wish that I could have gone with them._

_It has been difficult to remain calm as the hours pass. And I can only play so many games of Diamondback with Oghren._

_In truth, I cannot help but worry about Elissa being in the presence of this man, this Arl Howe._

_It is obvious that he wanted her entire family to be executed._

_He _will_ try to kill her, if given the chance._

_It troubles me that _he_ was the one to hire me._

_I was inches away from avenging Elissa's loss._

_._

_I hear raised voices. Perhaps Elissa is back._

_

* * *

_

**I think it's only fair to tell you that the last part of this story will be slightly AU.**

**It will be good, I swear!**

**I didn't get a chance proofread, so let me know if there are any major grammar issues.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Entry 17**

.

_I haven't been able to sleep in two days._

_Saving Elissa and Alistair wasn't easy, but seeing her bruised body on the dungeon's stone floor was too much._

_She was too quick to forgive the Fereldan Queen. But of course, Princess is always looking on the brighter side. _

_._

_As optimistic as she is, Elissa seemed upset. I wanted to talk to her. _

_I suppose she has Alistair to depend on, at least._

_._

_I'm sure she is just tired from everything that's happened recently. And now they expect her to search Denerim's alienage._

_I understand the intricacies of politics, but this goes too far. _

_This country is at war with mindless monsters. Unlike Antiva, they have military forces to do something about it. And yet they squabble like children, Loghain, the Queen, and even this Arl Eamon._

_._

_But wherever they send her, I will follow her till the end._

_._

**.**

**Entry 18**

.

(The page is covered with a drawing of a tree, bare of it's leaves.)

.

**Entry 19**

.

_At last, there are no more mindless tasks. We will soon be going to the Landsmeet._

_When Elissa asked me to join them, I was a bit apprehensive. No doubt this Loghain may very well remember the assassin he sent for the Warden. _

_Hopefully there are no other Crows waiting for me in the hall._

_._

_Our friend, Alistair, may very well be the King of Ferelden within the hour._

_He has been nervously chattering all morning. I think I actually caught him mumbling to himself about what he would say during a speech._

_._

_Though they have been talking about a marriage between Anora and Alistair, I doubt Alistair will actually go through with such an idea._

_._

_I believe he is planning to ask Elissa to marry him. I'm not surprised to hear it._

_And though I envy the man, I'm grateful that Elissa may finally find happiness, even among all of this darkness._

_._

_No matter what happens today, I will ever be her shadow, for she is my light._

* * *

Elissa's hands squeezed the leather of the journal. She closed the book shut, holding it close to her chest. Her heart pounded harshly, as the memories flooded her mind.

Her face was damp with tears that trailed from her freckle splattered cheeks, dripping to the tips of her fingers.

Walking through the long hall, she finally found her destination. Candlelight filled the otherwise dark room.

She exhaled sharply, clearing her throat.

"Do you need something Commander?", Anders asked, regarding the unusual severity in her manner.

* * *

**Entry 24**

.

_In the darkness I listened to the Warden's secret meeting._

_Had there not been so much tension between the three of them, I wouldn't have even bothered listening in on their conversation._

_And now I know why a Grey Warden must slay the Archdemon. And I know the consequences._

_._

_I will stay true to my vow. I will protect Elissa with my own life._

_Tonight I will become a Grey Warden. It is the only way._

_._

_I do not fear death. I have been it's cause my whole life. What I fear is losing that which is close to me; or even allowing someone to be that close again. But death? No, I do not fear death. In fact I relish it._

_

* * *

_

**Be on the lookout for "His Light", the second part of this story. Thanks to all of you who have been reading and waiting for each chapter. And a special thanks to Jinx1983 for helping figure out how I was going to tie these parts together.**

**I'll be trying to get up the first chapter of "His Light" as soon as I can :)**

**I hope you've enjoyed this first part of my story!**


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